How story has helped me be unapologetically me

By Amber Schwiesow

I have never fit in. I have always wanted to be something that I am not, and I have always been ashamed, like I am never enough to be enough. I don’t know where this comes from (this is a lie, I totally know where it comes from, I just don’t like to talk about it). 

Time to get brave. 

My father stated openly that he never wanted to have kids. I was an “oops.” While he may not feel that way today, rhetoric like this really sticks with a kid when you hear that at a young age. When you hear that you are an accident, and every mistake is criticized, you start to feel worthless. You want to be something else.  

My dad was an Olympic qualifying athlete, a brilliant engineer with a close to photographic memory. In my eyes, he was the epitome of perfection, and there was absolutely nothing special about me. He wanted me to get better grades, be better at sports and just be better. And I wanted that, too, but I never really found my thing.

Amber Schwiesow, tech exec and Chasing Grace Project community member

From there it sprung into not being in the right shoes or activities, and then my parents uprooted me in elementary school and moved me to Mexico where I just wanted to fit in, but I never did. I didn’t fit in with the Americans at my school because I didn’t come from the “right” place in the US (this was in my head) and I didn’t live in the American neighborhoods in Guadalajara. My parents thought it was important to assimilate (which now I thank them for), so we lived in a beautiful neighborhood in Zapopan and once again, I didn’t fit in. I was the little girl who didn’t speak Spanish and was totally new to having money. Even with all this privilege, I felt worthless.

When I went to school I was bullied. I was a skinny kid with buck teeth and braces, and I was also the youngest in my class. I remember in the 6th grade all the girls in my class were starting to get breasts and their periods, and I was ages away from that. After swim practice one day a girl that had developed breasts - that to this day I still do not have - pushed me down in the bathroom and pressed her breasts in my face and told me I was jealous. I will never forget this humiliation. To be honest, I was jealous. I would have given anything to be curvier and tanner and shorter. This humiliation continued into being bullied in class. This same girl would draw pictures of me, depicting me as a straight line and her as a beautiful curve. Something so simple destroyed me. This experience added to my “I don’t fit” story and this feeling of isolation followed me throughout high school and  back to the United States when I went to college. In college, I was never Latina enough (for me) to fit in with the LatinX crowd and I was never American enough to understand the Americans around me. I didn’t have the American high school experience; I didn’t play sports; I didn’t know the music. My life experiences were all so different. 

“I am telling you this because I have found that story is what connects us. I am not special in feeling alone. ”

Later in life I found that I am part of this elite club called “third culture kids” and that everything I was feeling was totally normal. The problem with this group of people is that we are elusive and it’s not like we are wearing a sign that says “talk to me, I know how you feel.” So we rarely find each other and when we do, our experiences are so different that really all we can agree on is that we feel other. 

So, why am I telling you all this? I am telling you this because I have found that story is what connects us. I am not special in feeling alone. People who live a completely different experience from me also feel like they don’t fit in. We are all individuals on this journey of life and we all want to be seen and all want to feel special. 

I think my biggest mistake in this path of feeling “other” is that I failed to see what makes me stand out. I spent so much time wanting to be someone I am not, that I failed to realize what my uniqueness brings to the table. I focused 100 percent on the negative and didn’t ever see the amazing things in my life. I am by no means fixed or cured. I still deep down want to be loved, accepted and seen, and I want to fit in to some degree. But every time that I feel “other,” I now ask myself if it is worth my energy and what I gain by hiding, and the answer is nothing. I remind myself that fitting in is boring, and sometimes damaging, and that I need to remember to be true to myself because that has 100 percent never steered me in the wrong direction. 

The mental, self-deprecating games we play are all in our heads. As Brené Brown says in DARE TO LEAD, “What story are you telling yourself?” The story I was telling myself is that people expect me to be something else and that I would be better if I was something else. The truth is that what other people expect or want is irrelevant. My unique self brings a lot of great things to the table and I need to lean into that.  

“The story I was telling myself is that people expect me to be something else and that I would be better if I was something else. The truth is that what other people expect or want is irrelevant. My unique self brings a lot of great things to the table and I need to lean into that.  ”

While it took me a long time to get here, here is what I know now: I know that while I was a biological “oops,” my parents are incredibly proud of me and the woman I have become.  I know that my Dad wants the best for me and challenges me to this day because he sees potential and knows I accomplish great things when I try. I know that the girl in middle school had a whole story of her own that attributed to how she treated me, and I hope she has worked that out. I am enough and people who don’t see that, are not people who I want to give my energy and effort to. I will not allow a bully to control my mind and my self worth. 

I have two cards on my desk that remind me who I am and how I want to live, they say:

“Is it worth your energy?” and “You will be too much for some people, those are not your people.” 

These reminders allow me to get out of my head and remind me to be unapologetically me.  While I may not always fit in, I now have a whole new appreciation for the power of standing out.